Monday, April 14, 2014

How do you explain to people...

So today brought up some feelings I guess I had been having, but did not really recognize it because often with chronic pain, its easier to just deal with whats in front of you and enjoy the little moments pain free that you do have than to look deeper.  Today was very frustrating because even though I know how far I have come in recovery, it really does not feel all that far at all.  Just last week I was on my way home from babysitting for my parents when I came across a lady on the side of the road that ran out of gas.  So I (painful) got out of the car to try and help her.  I drove back to my parents house to see if my dad had any gas, which he only had 1/2 a gallon, which ended up not being enough to start her car, so I sat on the side of the road with her while we waited for her friends.  But this small thing (helping a stranded person on the side of the road) turned into me realizing how bad my hips still are.  Just getting in and out of the car is very difficult as I still cannot lift my leg very high.  Its devastating to try and help others but in the process I cannot even help myself.  I keep thinking, if I was just a little bit stronger I could do this, I could be off all my pain meds and live a normal life.  I feel bombarded with all kinds of information that could potentially make me better.  I should be resting more, eating better, resting less, doing acupuncture, eating less, pushing past the pain, doing physical therapy, just living my life, not doing physical therapy, go back to work (you will feel better!), go back to school (it will keep your mind off of it all).....and can get the picture.  Its always something else I should be doing and then I would magically get better, but all I can imagine is that I am not strong enough for this.

So how do you explain this all to people?  That you don't live life normally.  That life ticks in a different way for you.  People ask how are you?  But whats a real answer to that without being Debbie Downer about life?  I hate admitting to myself that this sucks, let alone other people.  And I never know where to begin explaining it all.  Half the time I cannot keep things straight, let alone telling other people.  This communication barrier I am beginning to find more and more frustrating.

Sunday, April 6, 2014

Finally Spring is here....but the pain continues

I figured that instead of waiting a few weeks to write an update I would write one today even though I do not have much good new to report.  I ran into some insurance issues that have made it impossible for me to see Dr. Buly again, which is very frustrating.  Originally I had surgery with Aetna insurance which I got through my college, but since I had to drop my classes for surgery and then we moved (really unexpectedly) I had to change insurance companies to Blue Care Network through my husbands work.  Now, don't get me wrong, I am extremely grateful that we even have access to insurance at an affordable rate, but that does mean that I no longer have out of network benefits, thus I cannot see Dr. Buly anymore as his appointments will not be covered.  Luckily for me though, a very well respected surgeon (who Dr. Sink at HSS recommended originally), Dr. Zaltz, is in network and a lot closer to home, in Detroit.  So I made an appointment with him for the beginning of May to 1) follow up with a surgeon who does PAO surgeries and 2) get his opinion on my situation.

Things have not really improved very much at all for me in the past few weeks, if at all.  I am still limping around, my hip causes me pain pretty consistently at this point in time.  I have a lot of knee pain too.  My knee has also been giving way so I have been taping it with KT tape to help give it some stabilization.  I feel like I am at the point where I always am after surgery where I just know things are not right, somethings still wrong.  Obviously, I still have the femoral anteversion issue hanging over me, which is frustrating.  My whole lower body is just a twisted mess and with each subsequent surgery, I just seem to end up in more pain.  I worry that a femoral osteotomy will cause me to need a tibial osteotomy as well, and it will just be a never ending cycle.  On the other hand, I just cannot live like this anymore.  My entire life has been on hold for the past 3 years waiting to be fixed and every time I try to move on and do school or work, I have to pull out because of pain.

Luckily I have a strong family around me to help hold me together, but this is all wearing very thin on my psyche.