So today brought up some feelings I guess I had been having, but did not really recognize it because often with chronic pain, its easier to just deal with whats in front of you and enjoy the little moments pain free that you do have than to look deeper. Today was very frustrating because even though I know how far I have come in recovery, it really does not feel all that far at all. Just last week I was on my way home from babysitting for my parents when I came across a lady on the side of the road that ran out of gas. So I (painful) got out of the car to try and help her. I drove back to my parents house to see if my dad had any gas, which he only had 1/2 a gallon, which ended up not being enough to start her car, so I sat on the side of the road with her while we waited for her friends. But this small thing (helping a stranded person on the side of the road) turned into me realizing how bad my hips still are. Just getting in and out of the car is very difficult as I still cannot lift my leg very high. Its devastating to try and help others but in the process I cannot even help myself. I keep thinking, if I was just a little bit stronger I could do this, I could be off all my pain meds and live a normal life. I feel bombarded with all kinds of information that could potentially make me better. I should be resting more, eating better, resting less, doing acupuncture, eating less, pushing past the pain, doing physical therapy, just living my life, not doing physical therapy, go back to work (you will feel better!), go back to school (it will keep your mind off of it all).....and well....you can get the picture. Its always something else I should be doing and then I would magically get better, but all I can imagine is that I am not strong enough for this.
So how do you explain this all to people? That you don't live life normally. That life ticks in a different way for you. People ask how are you? But whats a real answer to that without being Debbie Downer about life? I hate admitting to myself that this sucks, let alone other people. And I never know where to begin explaining it all. Half the time I cannot keep things straight, let alone telling other people. This communication barrier I am beginning to find more and more frustrating.